Grace's Honest Dating Profile

I originally posted this on Facebook, but since I find myself so hilarious I decided to share it with my mini-friends, too (I guess I should add "easily entertained" to the bio). I was watching a cheesy dating reality show on tv where everybody was describing themself as perfection incarnate, and decided I wanted to see what an HONEST dating bio would look like. So I wrote one. (Note: Although every word of it is true, this is a joke! I am not actually looking for dates. Unless you are Tim Roth, then yes, baby, yes I will marry you.)

I'm a lazy slob who watches tv all the time, and it's rarely the Discovery channel; give me a crappy zombie movie over an Oscar-nominated sob-fest any day. (Which isn't to say I don't like sad movies, I still cry every single time the Highlander's wife dies, even though I've seen that movie like a hundred times.) I still listen to the same music I did in high school and I don't know who any of those bands on Saturday Night Live are. I don't watch Saturday Night Live.

I don't cook, I only clean my house a few times a year, and I occasionally go to the grocery store in my pajamas. I say I like to hike, but I usually end up watching movies instead. I'm a procrastinator, although I keep meaning to fix that. I'm smart, and funny, and loyal, and kind. When my gay best friend does my hair and makeup I'm gorgeous, so if you take me somewhere nice I'll call him. The rest of the time it's sweatpants and no makeup. I have a gay best friend. No, we have never dressed up as Will & Grace for Halloween. We were gonna, but he'd already done all his Joker makeup before I thought of it.

I'm a coffeetarian. I'm also old-fashioned, so you will have to move the heavy stuff. I will iron your shirts. I speak three languages and expect you to speak at least one. I am well-educated (I dropped out of college like five times) and love to read, but I will not correct your grammar. I have scars both emotional and physical, but I still have all my parts and they're still in the right places. I have a tattoo. I like kids as long as they belong to other people. I love animals and they mostly love me, except horses for some reason. I think they're stuck-up or something.

I'm an aritst, which means I'm really poor. But it's the only job I could do in my pajamas that I could still tell my mother about. Someday I'll finish my novel. I'm a terrible singer but I like to sing anyway, in the car with the music turned up loud enough to drown me out. I can play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on four or five different instruments and "Stairway to Heaven" on one. I can sew and I can fix things, because I read the manual. I do crossword puzzles in pen. I try to learn more about wine, but I always forget it as soon as I learn it. I don't like sushi. I love pasta, and green chile, and pasta with green chile. If you know how to make a cream sauce, you will totally get laid as soon as I wake up from my nap.

PS I would like a guy with his own power tools. That's not a metaphor.


Lainie said...

Whoa! Loved it! All the guys will want you ASAP! You must be one hot mama! I read it to my family, we all laughed out loud.

Sans! said...

If I am a gorgeous hunk, I will date you in a heartbeat :)

TreeFeathers said...

Lol, you guys are funny! Glad you got a kick out of it.

- Grace

Debbie said...

LOL, Grace I must have missed this on your Facebook. Its brilliant xxxx

rosanna said...

He he,I love this! and I join Sans, if I were a boy I'd date you.I wish you a nice Sunday. Rosanna

Catherine said...

That maybe the first bio that was totally honest. I am still laughing.
If I were a man... I would date you. haha If you can translate French... I would buy you and your best friend dinner in trade for telling me what the heck these directions say for the latest Pascale flower kits I bought.. LOL

TreeFeathers said...

Wow, I don't think I've had this many offers for dates since I worked as a kindergarten teacher! But it's always something, wrong gender, only 5 years old, not Tim Roth... :D

Catherine, I do read & write French, email me directly and I'll do whatever I can to help you out: (replace the AT, just trying to outsmart the spambots.)

- Grace


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Griffins, traditionally, are Guardians. Often carved at temple doors in ancient times, they were said to guard the way to Wisdom. I, on the other hand, seem to be the Guardian primarily of odd bits of string, pinecones, scraps of paper, mismatched socks, old calendars, homeless imps and gnomes, pencils with no erasers, jokes nobody gets, forgotten gods, keys with no locks, and other people’s lighters. If any of these things might be of use to you, let me know.
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